It’s been many years since I started practicing tantra.
And for me, two of the most important “addictions” to let go of,
have been the lust for porn and the desire for ejaculation.

Why? First and foremost to have incredible sex for hours on end, and to deepen
my experience of sex, relationships and intimacy in amazing ways.

But also because of the belief, and some scientific research to back it up,
that these tendencies will weaken me, make me lose my masculine power,
my presence and sexual attractiveness.

There’s a lot to be said for this, and I highly recommend letting go of porn
and the need for ejaculation
to any man who wants to experience his full potential.

At the same time though, my motivation was mixed with shame and fear:
That it would make me feel insecure, imbalanced, invisible to women.
Basically, a loser.

Where I stand now

At this point in my life I’ve almost completely let go of watching porn,
and can refrain from ejaculating for more than a month if I choose.

But there’s still some shame, fear and guilt in the mix.
And that’s what this article is about.

My Story

Here’s my own story of last week, and my learning:
“It’s been several weeks now, of being sexually active
and enjoying great attraction with women.

male enhancement\ what is brain fog\ testosterone pills for men\ buy steroids\ produce more sperm

Then one night I just feel so charged: it’s too much!
I’m having a hard time handling all this energy in my body,
and I decide to masturbate and “throw it out”.

Unfortunately, I forget to actually enjoy it, and feel like crap afterwards:
I judge myself, afraid that I will lose my inner balance,
feel insecure and small, and be less attractive.

Translation: “Receive no validation from women and feel low self worth”.
Ouch!

A new day

Then the next day, a dear friend of mine reminds me of a powerful principle:
When you truly believe something, that’s what you’re going to experience.

I see: I programmed myself to be afraid of ejaculation,
and have created so much stress with that belief!

The next day, I decide to make a better, though unconventional, choice:
After meditating on it, I navigate to my favorite porn site.
It’s been ages since the last time I watched.

I decide to take my time, at least an hour,
and really, thoroughly enjoy it.

Full on pleasure

As I watch the beautiful, sexy, gorgeous women on my screen,
I take deep breaths into my belly, as I moan and groan my excitement.

I actually express my appreciation and love for them:
For their beauty, the way they turn me on, totally excite me,
and how alive they make me feel.

Through these images, I feel like I connect to all the women I desire.
I’m talking to them on my screen (yes, yes, I know…):
”I love you, I love you, thank you for being so fucking gorgeous!”

And it feels awesome: I am totally hard, with a full-on open heart.

It’s so good to be in this space of pleasure and appreciation,
and to allow my lust, love and enjoyment fully.
Even when watching porn, something I’ve condemned for so long.

After more than an hour of immense pleasure, I decide to come.
And it is glorious. I totally love it.

I feel incredibly loving and open afterwards.
And the feeling stays with me.”

Unapologetic

It feels, in that moment, like I’m letting go layers of judgment and shame
that have been in place for quite a while.

Instead of listening to my negative programming on this subject,
I decide to follow my feelings.
And trust my “counter-intuitive” intuition.

So here’s the message I want to convey today:
Self-judgment, pain and shame can sometimes motivate us
to stop doing things we’re addicted to.

But there comes a point when it’s appropriate to be a full YES
to whatever lives inside of us.
To fully allow what is there, so that it can relax and release it’s stranglehold.

It’s about learning to be unapologetic about who you are,
what you desire and whatever weirdness is uniquely you.

Letting go of shame

One of the most powerful ways to let go of shame,
is to actually share the exact thing you feel ashamed of.
Shine a light on it, bring it out of the shadows,
and find out that it’s actually not such a big thing.

This is something that we create a safe space for in the Real Men Project.
A space of brotherhood support and honesty,
in which you can unapologetically be yourself.

Where you’re accepted, just as you are.
And then take that out into the world.

Ok, let’s talk:

What do you recognize?
What are you ashamed of?
What would you like to bring out of the shadows?

Comment anonymously if it feels too scary.
Let’s chat and open it up!

Roald

P.S. If you enjoyed this article, feel free to share it with your friends.
And if you want to dive deeper, our Sexual Power Program starts next month.
Check it out!

10 gedachten over “Porn, pleasure, shame and being a YES”

  1. Thanks a lot Roald. Good to hear other men having similar experiences around stopping porn and then feeling shame around it. I feel inspired by your experience of fully enjoying watching it!

  2. I’ve stopped watching porn long ago. Why? because a lack of true love in real life I guess. Sex was empty for me, just meaningless lust and painful afterwards indeed. Last year I’ve been really selective on what I expose myself to in life and who are deserving my love and friendship. Sex is something I keep save for an intimate partner I truly love and admire. Therefor I think I might neglect my lust and desires kind of-for now but I’ll passionately make up for it later 😛

    As an mentor of mine puts it; Men are far more sensitive for their binding hormones after sex and therefor we’d better not sleep around mindlessly . You might end up getting dicknapped by an gorgeous bitch paying alimony for most of your life.

    1. Hey man, thanks for your answer. I have a question though: Why would you neglect your lust and desires?
      You can enjoy them without having to act upon it!

      1. Anxious to express this kind of “aggression” to women and acting upon it is something I have strong feelings of repression on. I struggle with this a lot, It’s painfull

        1. Thanks for your honest response brother.
          I imagine it can be incredibly relieving for you
          to share this with brothers, and actually allow yourself
          to feel what is already alive inside of you.
          You should come to our next Meetup!
          Big hug

  3. My dear. Thank you for giving me a peak into such a (for many of us) sensitive subject. Transparent conversation is what we need. For me this is the new hero of our time. “Petje af!” X

  4. Sharing fears and shame is absolutely wonderful and powerful. Not just over a cup of coffee, especially in the vulnerability of being naked in the bed.

    For me it’s not a one time thing. It’s a process, a way of living even. Anyhow for the time being.

    1. Yes, indeed. A lifelong process of opening up in authenticity.
      Thanks for your response!

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Being authentic, dropping the masks of social conditioning, and being the unique man that YOU are.

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—FOUNDATION OF THE MEETUPS—
Every meeting aims to create a deeper sense of brotherhood, and a stronger embodied presence in each man participating.

Being authentic, dropping the masks of social conditioning, and being the unique man that YOU are.

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They serve as an introduction to our work at Real Men Project,
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—FOUNDATION OF THE MEETUPS—
Every meeting aims to create a deeper sense of brotherhood, and a stronger embodied presence in each man participating.

Being authentic, dropping the masks of social conditioning, and being the unique man that YOU are.

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They serve as an introduction to our work at Real Men Project,
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