Why does she keep testing me?

Have you ever had a woman try you out, challenge you or (shit-)test you?
Has it ever seemed like she was trying to get you confused and off-balance?
If so, you know what I mean.

Why is it that women test us?
Isn’t life challenging enough without it?
Can’t we just simply get along?

Testing can happen for several reasons, but the main reason I see is this one:
She wants to know if she can really trust you.

You might say: But I am trustable! I am honest, just ask my friends!
Well, that’s not exactly the kind of trust that a woman is after.

What she’s longing for, is to feel she can safely surrender to you.
It’s where you say: ”I got this”, and you actually do.

Trust

Many women that I meet have some issue with trusting men.
It’s much more common than we realize.

Somewhere along the way boundaries have been crossed,
and their trust was violated.

I’ll be the first to admit that I have crossed my fair share of boundaries.
I’ve been an asshole and an untrustworthy fucker at times.

So I’m not pretending to be better than I am.
We’re in this together.

Now I imagine you saying: “Hey, but what about the women?”
And of course, women aren’t holy creatures either.

We all mess up from time to time.

The point

But for the sake of the article, that’s not the point here.
The question is: “What cando and be, to (re)gain the trust of a woman,
so that she will open to me?”.

How can you have her surrender her gorgeous beauty, for both to enjoy?
I mean, that’s the nectar that we all want to drink right?

How awesome does it feel to have a woman open up to you in deep trust,
in all of her juiciness, lusciousness and wildness?
How grand, powerful and king-like does it feel when that happens?

And how small, insecure and like failure can it feel when she doesn’t?

Macho’s and wimps

(Generalizing-alert, but stay with me for a moment):

In a world where she sees many insensitive macho’s on the one hand,
and a bunch of sensitive wimps on the other,
it can feel hard for a woman to really surrender.

On the one hand she wants to protect her boundaries,
lest she might be taken advantage of.

On the other hand she’s tired of reassuring guys, and telling them what to do,
because they’re too much of a nice guy to take initiative.

Damn, it’s a complicated case.

Presence and integrity

What most women long for, is a man who has an embodied presence
(he’s not just a talking head), so she can trust him to actually be here now.

He is able to stay present and open with the different tides of emotions,
which will have her trust that their connection won’t be broken,
even when the seas get rough.

He is sensitive, so she can trust him to make a real connection and feel into her.

He knows what he does and doesn’t want, so she can trust him to be in integrity
with his values, even when she doesn’t like it.

She can trust that his “no” means no, and his “yes” really means yes.

Energetic Beings

Women are very receptive beings. A woman can feel your presence in her body.
She feels the impact you have on her,
even without actually touching or talking to you.

If you hold yourself in a way that is tense or resistant,
if you’re suppressing certain feelings,
a woman often senses this before you can.

When you disallow a certain feeling, she will feel in her body,
what you don’t want to feel in your body.
And therefore associate you with that tension.

If, on the other hand, you can stay present & open with your inner state,
whether it’s pleasant or unpleasant,
she will feel presence and openness with you, and associate you with that.

Embodied Presence

If you practice embodied presence, for instance by meditating, bodywork,
movement practice, breath work and the likes,
this will enable you to 
stay present with your own deeper feelings.

This will make you more attractive to a woman, because she unconsciously senses
that you can hold space for more energy than the average guy.

Which means more space for her to fully be.
All that she is.

And all of her she doesn’t even know yet…

The 10-step Plan.
Not.

If you want to gain a woman’s trust and surrender,
there aren’t any particular moves to make or things to say.
There isn’t a 10-step plan to accomplish.

There’s no short-cut.
The only way is to do your inner work.

By feeling your body, and accessing your emotions and feelings,
you pave the way to being a man who is trustworthy and in integrity.

By looking in the so-called mirror, open to what you meet on ever deeper levels,
you become the kind of man who is deeply trustworthy.
A man who knows what he stands for, and finds honour in that.

This has a woman trust and open up to you in ways that go beyond your wildest dreams.
And hers.

No tricks, just authentic presence.
You don’t have to be perfect. None of us are.
It’s a continuous journey, and so far there’s no end in sight…

Roald

14 gedachten over “How to gain her trust and surrender”

  1. Great to see this formultated so clearly, it has been search for the unknown for me for some time. For me this is not just about women and their trust though, it’s more about myself and how to live. I coudn’t “do it” for anyone else.

    1. I absolutely agree. As long as we try to be something in order to get something else, we’ve missed the point.

  2. Loved your text. So why would a woman test you if she already feels what is there. Is she not accepting what she sees/feels?

    1. Thanks Nico.
      And good question.
      I believe it goes back to this: most women have had their trust violated at some point in life.
      Before she decides to open, she needs to be sure that you are really trustworthy.

      You might be nice and present now, but will you stay open when she rocks your boat thoroughly?
      If you can, that’s where real trust comes from.

    2. ‘Is she not accepting what she sees/feels?’ That could be the case, Nico. Perhaps she testing herself as well.

      1. I think woman also feel an intense history in our womb. A woman accept different. Accepting what a man shows now, is accepting the history with violence, which she wears in her womb.

  3. Mooi artikel Roald!
    Zo waar en so fucking challenging (voor beide partijen).

    Nog wat anders; ik ben bezig met een healing tribe (Kokon) op te zetten op Mandala festival, eerste weekend van juni. We zoeken nog iets voor mannen? Iets voor jou/jullie?

    Lieve Groet, Annelies.

    De nieuwe aanwinst bij de acroyoga Utrecht…

    1. Hoi Annelies,
      Ja, het kan zeker challenging zijn. En zo fucking rewarding!
      Wat betreft het festival, we connecten op Facebook. Klinkt goed!

  4. Mooi artikel, keeping it real: I like that!

    Het grappige is dat ik (vrouw) die embodied presence laatst met iemand heb ervaren die dus helemaal geen “innerlijk werk” heeft gedaan qua meditatie/lichaamswerk/ademhalingsoefeningen/coaching/trainingen etc. Hij was daar ineens puur intuïtief. En daar kon ik me volledig aan overgeven.

    Soms lijkt het met dit soort artikelen (no offense) alsof je de hele tijd naar iets moet streven (daar! Naar dat doel! Na die training lukt het vast!), terwijl je intuïtie volgen eigenlijk echt zo makkelijk is. Soms belemmert al dat “innerlijk werk” ook. In mijn ervaring 🙂

    Het is waarschijnlijk het krachtigst in combinatie; en-en. En voelen dat je alles al in je hebt en helemaal niks hoeft te doen of te presteren, alleen maar je intuïtie volgen. En bewust werken aan leven vanuit je intuïtie en innerlijke kracht om het aantal momenten en het gemak waarmee je je intuïtie in kunt zetten, uit te breiden.

    Zomaar wat mijmeringen na middernacht 😉

    Nogmaals dank voor het artikel!

    1. Hi Yara (I’ll reply in english), I agree that in the end it’s all about going with your intuition.
      And the only reason we do this “work”, is to let go of inhibitions that keep us from being natural.
      There’s a place and time to do inner work, and there’s a place and time to say: Fuck, let’s just live!

  5. I love it! I know it works for me!
    Even tho I often feel sort of social anxiety. When I give what I hold space, and I trust myself and I allow, then beautifull women and happy people around start reflecting what I do, like A by-product that unfolds as my enjoyment with this does!
    Have had great experiences of suprising myself and suprising others in diffrent ways.
    Often, after when I allowed my self more then before, I wanna ‘go there’ again, being confronted with A stronger compass and (when I allow) A clearer view of my motivations to not.
    It’s like A tricky game at times when i forget its not so tricky to ‘go there again’.
    I am getting used to trusting myself more and more, just being self-ish enough to do what feels good. Often attention wise.
    A challenge i’m facing at this moment is to become clear about staying or leaving the girl I am with now.
    I love many things about her still, I don’t want to hurt her but i am unclear if I’m done or if im distracted from what I want.
    I really like the part man! Great upper!

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—FOUNDATION OF THE MEETUPS—
Every meeting aims to create a deeper sense of brotherhood, and a stronger embodied presence in each man participating.

Being authentic, dropping the masks of social conditioning, and being the unique man that YOU are.

These Meetups are open for all men, with or without experience.
They serve as an introduction to our work at Real Men Project,
as well as a way to integrate it into your daily life.

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This is a bi-weekly series of gatherings, in which we address many of the themes that are important to us as men.

—FOUNDATION OF THE MEETUPS—
Every meeting aims to create a deeper sense of brotherhood, and a stronger embodied presence in each man participating.

Being authentic, dropping the masks of social conditioning, and being the unique man that YOU are.

These Meetups are open for all men, with or without experience.
They serve as an introduction to our work at Real Men Project,
as well as a way to integrate it into your daily life.

26-10-2016 Real Men Meetup

This is a bi-weekly series of gatherings, in which we address many of the themes that are important to us as men.

—FOUNDATION OF THE MEETUPS—
Every meeting aims to create a deeper sense of brotherhood, and a stronger embodied presence in each man participating.

Being authentic, dropping the masks of social conditioning, and being the unique man that YOU are.

These Meetups are open for all men, with or without experience.
They serve as an introduction to our work at Real Men Project,
as well as a way to integrate it into your daily life.

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