Sex, addiction and the Feminine

It’s been such an eye-opener for me to learn about
the connection between brain chemistry, sex and addiction.
Plus: How it relates to what we call “The Feminine”.

What it taught me is that everything that alivens us,
can also debilitate us if we don’t stay present.

Whenever you use pleasure to distract yourself
from what you really feel,
sooner or later you’re gonna get screwed.

The dopamine connection

Let me explain a bit about brain chemistry,
and in particular about this thing called dopamine.
I’ll keep it simple (check some science here), but let me say this:

Whenever we have an experience of “wanting” something (or someone)
that’s the feeling of dopamine in our bodies.

For example: When you meet someone new and exciting,
when you want that bar of chocolate,
when you’re having sex and feeling totally turned on: that’s it.

Instant Gratification

Unfortunately, our current society offers dopamine on steroids.
Around every corner we have multiple opportunities
for instant gratification of our desires.

And as you know, whenever you give in to a desire too much,
it screws you over.
It leaves you feeling depleted, and it actually destabilizes your brain chemistry.

When your dopamine levels are off balance, you can experience anything from
anxiety to depression, compulsive thinking, addictive tendencies, mood swings,
aggression and more.

Believe me, I’ve been there and experienced them all.

How you do anything is how you do everything

What I want you to get is this: the way you are sexually,
and the way you deal with your feelings (or not),
are very intimately connected.

If you really get that being sexually empowered is all about
the ability to feel deeply without running away from it,
then you’ve struck gold.

Get this, and you’re there.
Oh yeah, and by the way: this applies to your whole life.
But you got that already, right?

“How you do anything, is how you do everything”.

What’s your favorite addiction?

So what is it for you? What’s your favorite?
It’s ok, we all have something (or multiple things).

What do you use to distract yourself, to numb yourself, to zone out?
Is it work? Gaming? Alcohol? Caffeine? Drugs? Got a sweet tooth? Porn?
Ah, it must be food then. Compulsive thinking perhaps?

If you want to feel your Sexual Power, yet keep this part unconscious,
you’re basically shooting yourself in the foot.

It’s like opening up, and closing yourself down at the same time.

Step one: Awareness

I’m not talking about being perfect, or becoming a monk.
It’s about being aware: When do you use what
to avoid being with certain feelings?

Just that. No judgment.

Whenever you numb yourself like this,
you’re using your habit as a substitute for the Feminine:

There is a deeper longing for the beauty, the aliveness, the softness,
fullness and radiance of Life itself.

And your addiction is a mere surrogate.

The invitation

I invite you to make a deeper connection here.
Be honest with yourself. Bring awareness to it.

This will teach you to ride with the intensity of your Power,
instead of being enslaved by it.

Now over to you

As always, I enjoy having a conversation with you.
Share in the comments below:
1. What is your “favorite” habit?

And anything else you want to talk about, regarding this subject.
Speak soon!

Roald

P.S.  Here you can read more about the Sexual Power Program

12 gedachten over “Are you a slave to your Sexual Power?”

  1. My favorite habit is definitely smoking weed, but I’ve stopped that recently. Other things I used to do was watching pornography and video gaming. Ever since my last Ayahuasca ceremony I completely stopped watching pornography and masturbating. A good friend of mine told me that controlling your sex drive is one of the most important qualities as a man and that made a deep impression on me. And fortunately it hasn’t been all that difficult.

    Compulsive behavior always follows the same formula. The more you focus on it the harder it is to resist it. What helps me a lot is to focus on something else (like the important things in life or urgent matters that need attention) and then the desire to engage into compulsive behavior just disappears. Another thing is practicing forgiveness. Going through this process of owning your power is not always smooth sailing. If you mess up it’s important to not beat yourself up over it, because that only makes it harder to let go of old patterns.

    1. Thanks man, wise words.
      And I really agree on the forgiveness part.
      If we can’t be gentle with ourselves, we’re only gonna fuck up more.

  2. Hey Roald

    Really resonates with me this article. Very recognizable of course….smoking weed, television, video gaming, pornography, drinking alcohol. I’ve done it all!
    But yes, it al comes down by running away from yoursef I realize that every day a bit more.
    A long time ago I quit smoking weed, stopped playing video games, recently stopped smoking sigarrets, pulled my tv out of my living room, drinking less alcohol. And replaced all that with a bit of meditation, reading, seeing friends….and trying to be more silent and trying to stay with everything that’s there. Not always easy and sometimes you gain some subtle way of not staying in the centre.

    There’s still a lot too learn and to see! Thanks anyway for the blog!

    Greetings Wietse

  3. Hey Wietse, thank you!
    Yes, the learning is endless.
    As long as we don’t try to be perfect, it’s actually a lot of fun 😉

  4. Great article. So clear and well written. This is totally me a few years back, before I met my boyfriend who is more of a soul than a body. Therefore I can be more of my soul and less of my body. But still, from the moment you gave a guest workshop at the Year Training Partner Yoga this year, I know that I’ve only experienced a tip of the iceberg.
    My favorite habit is absolutely eating and watching Netflix. I try to eat really healthy throughout the day to compensate, because in those moments I really don’t have any self-control. I’ve come to a point where I have accepted this fact, which allows me to be a happier person the way I am right now. But I’m very aware of the fact that something’s got a hold on me. And I’m so ready to explore this power.

    Where’s your Real Woman Project? 🙁

    1. Thanks Jo,
      Haha, about the Real Woman Project,
      I know that in time this will turn into the Real Human Project,
      but not just yet.

      In the meantime I highly recommend checking out Ronja’s work (my ex-girlfriend).
      She’s amazing, awake, and a total upliftment.
      This is your Real Woman Project!

        1. Hi Ronja, nice to meet you!
          I’m so intrigued by all this! I really recognize myself in the text on your homepage. I’ve singed myself up for your newsletter and am looking forward to your first blog. 🙂
          Love, Johanna

        1. Ps. Ik had je antwoord bijna gemist Roald, omdat ik geen notificatie van je reactie heb gekregen. In veel templates kun je dat inschakelen. Ik vind dat zelf fijn werken voor blogs waar ik niet dagelijks kom.

  5. I’m addicted to masturbation since I’m 11 and to porn since I’m 16 and to paid sex since I’m 33. I stopped with the latest 4 years ago (now I’m 41) with relapsing several times, the latest 8 month ago. I also want to stop with masturbation and porn since 2 years, but I couldn’t although I’m in a 12-step-program. Since 4 days I’m without masturbation and porn (the longest period in the past were 29 days). Starting also with overcoming my social phobia and practicing yoga gives me the hope that now I can really end this unhealthy behaviour. Do you think tantra may help me overcoming my porn/masturbation addiction?

    P.S.: By the way for a sex addict like me the picture on top of this site is a strong trigger.

    1. Hey Carsten,
      Thanks for sharing so honestly!
      I definitely believe tantra, and also yoga can help you to move towards better habits.
      I also believe that you need a strong peer group that can support you on your path.
      Small steps every day are the way.

      If you want more support, or have more questions, feel free to contact me at roald@realmenproject.nl

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05-10-2016 Year Training Introduction Meetup

This is a bi-weekly series of gatherings, in which we address many of the themes that are important to us as men.

—FOUNDATION OF THE MEETUPS—
Every meeting aims to create a deeper sense of brotherhood, and a stronger embodied presence in each man participating.

Being authentic, dropping the masks of social conditioning, and being the unique man that YOU are.

These Meetups are open for all men, with or without experience.
They serve as an introduction to our work at Real Men Project,
as well as a way to integrate it into your daily life.

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This is a bi-weekly series of gatherings, in which we address many of the themes that are important to us as men.

—FOUNDATION OF THE MEETUPS—
Every meeting aims to create a deeper sense of brotherhood, and a stronger embodied presence in each man participating.

Being authentic, dropping the masks of social conditioning, and being the unique man that YOU are.

These Meetups are open for all men, with or without experience.
They serve as an introduction to our work at Real Men Project,
as well as a way to integrate it into your daily life.

26-10-2016 Real Men Meetup

This is a bi-weekly series of gatherings, in which we address many of the themes that are important to us as men.

—FOUNDATION OF THE MEETUPS—
Every meeting aims to create a deeper sense of brotherhood, and a stronger embodied presence in each man participating.

Being authentic, dropping the masks of social conditioning, and being the unique man that YOU are.

These Meetups are open for all men, with or without experience.
They serve as an introduction to our work at Real Men Project,
as well as a way to integrate it into your daily life.

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