Do you know this experience?
You meet a new lover.
Everything is exciting and wonderful.
You open up, life is great, and it feels like one big adventure.
But over time -and that might be anything from a day to a year-
your enthusiasm wanes.
You feel more like friends.
The sex isn’t that great anymore or even disappears.
You take each other for granted and daily life takes over…
So how do you keep your relationship alive and exciting?
Now even though you never know what life will bring,
you can make choices to make it more likely it’ll agree with you.
The 6 Human Needs
Tony Robbins speaks about six fundamental human needs,
and I want to address the first two:
1. The need for certainty or safety: The assurance you can avoid pain and gain pleasure.
2. The need for uncertainty: The unknown, change, newness.
In the first stages of a relationship, both of these needs are usually met.
You meet someone new and exciting, and venture into the unknown.
At the same time your wish to feel safe is being fulfilled
by this significant other who loves being with you.
Unfortunately, we often sacrifice variety for so-called safety.
You adapt to one another so you don’t rock the boat.
This is safe, comfortable, and eventually boring.
You start taking each other for granted.
In the beginning, there’s great chemistry, like magnets drawing together.
But over time, as we choose safety and comfort over the exciting insecurities of life,
the magnetic poles are neutralized, and the chemistry is lost.
01: Follow your enthusiasm
This brings me to the first and most important key to creating excitement in your relationships:
Do you feel excited about your own life, with or without a partner?
Are you following your own enthusiasm?
Last week I wrote about this in Do you love your life yet?
The more you create a life that you truly love
-whether you’re already in a relationship or not-
the less you’ll feel the need for another person to come and fulfill you.
So what makes you feel alive? What makes you really want to be here?
What are you willing to wake up for in the middle of the night?
The more you make choices which are aligned with your enthusiasm,
the more awareness and aliveness you’ll bring to any connection.
02: Authenticity in Relating
One of the greatest blessings I’ve experienced over the past years,
has been the deepening of my authentic relating skills.
This practice, also known as circling, has given me so much,
I could write several articles about it.
It gives you the tools to completely own your experience.
This helps you to fully express what you feel,
including your previously “forbidden” emotions,
without dumping personal stuff on your partner and creating an emotional mess.
My experience with this practice has been that it has deepened all my connections,
and made them much richer, more juicy, exciting and real.
By owning your experience, being real & dropping your masks,
by honestly expressing your desires,
you’ll free up tremendous amounts of energy.
Both within yourself, as well as in your relationships.
It can be a powerful and scary mirror sometimes, but the fruits are well worth the labor.
It would be too much to explain in this short article,
so I recommend you look it up if this speaks to you.
We practice authentic relating in the Real Men Project,
but there are many other places to learn as well.
03: Cultivate your Sexual Power
One of the key teachings for me in tantra has been
learning to cultivate my sexual energy without ejaculating.
This doesn’t mean that ejaculation becomes a forbidden fruit
-you know how seductive that would be-
but it does mean learning to make a conscious choice about your orgasm.
If you’re already practiced at circulating your sexual energy: Great!
You’ve probably felt the heightened energy levels,
greater clarity & presence, and stronger attractiveness that you exude
when taking on this practice.
If you haven’t ventured into this territory yet, take my word:
you don’t know what you’ve been missing.
This is a practice well worth taking on, both for yourself, as well as for your sex- and love life.
Check out this link if you want to go deeper into the subject.
04: Choose your Words with Care
This practice is especially powerful when you’re in relationship already,
but also when dating, this will help you to understand what conversation creates attraction,
and which words take it away.
I learned this one from David Deida:
Commit to speaking only about God, Love and Sex with your partner
(“God” being anything that is inspiring, transcendental and blissful to you).
Usually we’re not so aware of the effect of our words, but take my word for it,
if you spend your time talking about the kids, the groceries, taxes and work,
you are not going to spice up your love life.
Unless you have a fetish for numbers, work at a very sexy job,
only shop for erotic foods, and speak about how you’re gonna make kids, that is.
So whenever you’re together with your lover (juicier than “partner” in my opinion),
or with a potential lover, speak only about these subjects that excite and turn you on.
Whenever you need to speak about something practical, just use text or email.
This tool works! It lifts you out of your daily rut,
and honors your relationship as the special connection it is.
05: Bring (back) the Juice into your Relationship
Key number 5 is an exercise you can do together.
Again, if you’re not in a relationship yet, you can turn this into a very spicy game:
Decide on the three things that bring the most juice into your connection.
After that, decide on the three things that most take the juice out of your connection.
Make a commitment -either for the next two weeks, or for the next two hours-
to only feed the three mentioned above, and consciously refrain from doing the three below.
Let me know how it goes…
Over to you
So which practice will you take on to create more excitement in your life?
How will you turn up the volume of turn-on?
Do you have a very special practice that I haven’t mentioned
and everybody needs to know about?
Let me know in the comments below!
P.S. The next Foundations of Presence program is around the corner.
Be sure to check it out if you wish to create real and lasting change in your life.